Friday, October 17, 2008

I'm pretty sure I was siting in a chair, but I might as well have been the man on the bed.

So, 16 years ago last night I had my last drink. I didn't even wake up with a hangover 16 years ago today. I was too depressed to get drunk. In fact, I poured out half of my last drink while thinking, "Oh what's the use?" and went to bed.

I sure am grateful for alcohol. I'm certain it kept me glued together for many years. When alcohol stopped working I sure did come unglued.

There was a little violence, my girlfriend hit me and I hit her back. There's a couple of days there that I don't really remember. The next clear moment comes when I found myself locked in the bedroom, sitting on the bed reading a book. I looked next to me and noticed that I had a rifle, a shotgun and a couple of hundred rounds of ammunition laid out on the bed. I'd been thinking about killing myself for weeks. I guess I was worried that I'd miss.

Somehow, my girlfriend talked me into taking a ride over to the county psych ward. The next thing I knew, I was locked up. 51-50ed as we say in California. It was not a pleasant place to be. There were bars on the windows and a couple of stout psych techs at the door. My roommate was real quiet, but he sure did fart a lot.

My first thought was, "I've gotta start talking some shit and get myself out of here."

And then I heard a voice, it might have been my voice, but it wasn't something I'd ever heard myself say before: "You've been lying your whole life. You lied your way in here and nothing but the truth is going to get you out."

A couple of days later I was introduced to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I was "twelfth stepped" by one of the psych techs. He was a two tour Viet Nam vet and nine years sober. I've never been able to find him and thank him, so I have to show my gratitude by helping other drunks. He loaned me a copy of the AA Big Book and arranged an interview with one of the nurses, who happened to be in Alanon.

I was full of three things, bullshit, doubt and fear. I had a feeling they weren't going to get me very far in life. Even though it flew in the face of everything I thought I knew about self sufficiency, I let my new friends talk me into going to an AA meeting.

LIfe started to get interesting for a change.

Fat, Drunk, And Stupid - Section 8 - Various Artists - Alternative Tentacles


Madame Pamita said...

Happy Birthday, Jon! Love is good! Life is good!

Blankfrank06 said...

Hey Jon,

Bravo. Super cool background story which answered a few questions. I haven't been able to read my favorite blogs for about a week now. My neighbor who I piggyback from who has wifi didn't pay his cable bill so I'm back at the library. Thanks for the inspiration

FEEDJIT Live Traffic Feed